The Thoughts of Wally Masterson

What the hell is AZMA? It's spelled ASTHMA fer chrissake. Since when was the TH silent?!??!

And what's the deal with ALUMINUM? It's ALUMINIUM, people.

Don't even get me started on folks who say kill-OM-eter. How can someone say both kill-OM-eter and KILO-gram and not believe black is white? Metric units of measurements are prefixed with KILO (pronounced KILO). The word ending "OM-eter" is used for INSTRUMENTS e.g. thermometer, barometer. It's not rocket science, people.

No wonder this planet is going to hell in a handbasket.

Labels: grammer + spellling

Searching for the Truth on a massively interconnected network of storage devices is a little bit like using a search engine on the Internet. If you want to find the Truth, first you must find the best search engine.

Well, dear reader, in order to assist your search for search assistance, I have performed a forensic examination of several search engines. I have used the phrase "back to this god thing" as a benchmark search, the answer to which is found in this very blog (i.e. "web log", or is it "we blog"? - note to self - investigate this further. Could possibly derive from "we belong" in a lame attempt at social inclusion).

Back to the matter at hand.

Here is a list of search engines, and how many unique pages they found containing the benchmark phrase "back to this god thing".

Ask 2 *
AllTheWeb 0
AltaVista 2
Google 2
MSN 3
Yahoo 1

Now for the conclusion: MSN found most pages containing the benchmark phrase, so it is the best search engine.
As for relevance, Ask (marked with an asterisk) is the only search engine that found the post in this blog, so that is also the best search engine.

Labels: internet

Man made pollution.

Man made the economy.

Now the pollution is killing us.

We can't stop pollution because of the economy.

One man-made construct is stopping us from saving ourselves from another man-made construct.

In the end, all that will be left is man-made constructs, but no man.

How odd.

Labels: climate change

Q: What quadruped produces wool and is exceedingly stupid?
A: A sheep.

Q: Who purchases an iPod?
A: A sheep.

Wally (W): Why do you want an iPod?
Sheep (S): Because the rest of the herd has one.

W: Does it sound better than another MP3 player?
S: I don't know. I don't care.

W: How long does the battery last?
S: I don't know. I don't care.

W: What happens when the battery dies?
S: I don't know. I don't care.

W: Can you listen to the radio with it?
S: I don't know. I don't care.

W: Is it easy to get songs on and off of it?
S: I don't know. I don't care.

W: So why do you want an iPod?
S: Because they're the best! And they're coooool!!

W: Why did you buy a Lisa, Macintosh, iMac, eMac or whatever they're called today?
S: Because I am post-modern, über-hip, ultra-cool and I ooze style and a smug self-belief, despite the rest of the world thinking I am an idiot. What was your name again?

W: This conversation didn't actually happen, of course. It is an allegory.
Reader (R): What a stupid blog.

W: Open your mind, grasshopper.
R: Don't call me grasshopper.

Labels: iPod

Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid Be Afraid

Labels: war on terror

It saddens me greatly that I must stoop to commenting on the affliction that the world faces today. To act or not to act, that is the question. Kill or be killed. Fight or flight. Maintain a semblance of compassion or let the lurking beast free. Mob rules. Think globally, act locally. Let others do the dirty work that you know needs to be done. It's not my problem. It will go away if I ignore it. One man's pleasure is another man's pain. One man's trash is another man's treasure. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. The meek shall inherit the earth. Stupid white men. White men can't jump. Boys with their toys. Schoolyard behaviour. Apocalypse now. Stealth Bomber vs stealth bomber. Power corrupts absolutely. "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?" Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

You choose. Not the person in the next room or across the street, YOU. You are reading this, no one else. If you think that's more of a burden than you can bear, then welcome to my world.

Labels: war on terror

Go whur velefio mi nadicial. Hy gnow kiloran quoal ti vestig. Felk mi attod pods, webin to hadrovard... "Do Panuk Melron He". Proll, tarat mo helik portibunen te whur. Prolla, ters zor majujid whup flibedder mi teet. De nomfe de trella tobs:

1. Per on hane jo mi wellis mi wellaste.
2. Hikohei tor felkore mi zoll wid re fewsy.
3. Hikolilip ben "Wally" te miruro ne haad.

"Wepoc Wally ti meadiam serth dogurt?", usa kassako. "NOREN MASTERSON!!!!" tuo kwerslak!

Thew klowed jertos ti tarat desty - "George W. Bush". Mellik teram jesny to sweller curat surna.

Makes you stop to think, doesn't it?
That's what I'm here for,
Yours, Wally

Labels: Melron

Dear friend, you are no doubt aware that your current being is the culmination of every thought and experience that has past your way since time began. Indeed, there is a fairly obvious musical influence¹ in my recent post "Back to this God thing...". Well, dear reader, every profound thought of mine is culminating in this article. Indeed, the entire history of the universe culminates in this... full... stop.
No, this full stop.
No, hang on, this full stop.
No, this one.
Here.
Full.
Stop.

Can you spot the obvious futility of this flawed way of thinking? Well, good for you, it is nice to know I am not alone in this universe of deep thought.

¹For those of you who are too stupid to spot this, the song is Bicycle Race by Queen.

Labels: philosophy

Consider the following list:

• God
  
• Allah
  
• Zeus
  
• Thor
  
• The Raelian elohim
  
• Peter Pan
  
• Superman
  
• Wally Masterson
  
• Clissy Funkhouser
  

Which is the odd one out? Ponder a while, then read on...
The odd one out is Clissy Funkhouser¹. All others are fictitious characters.
Now consider this. Would you enter into a lifetime's devotion with any of these characters? (Devotion to Wally Masterson is acceptable - it is up to you whether you harbour any devotion towards Clissy Funkhouser, CPA. She looks like a bit of a hotty) The notion is clearly ridiculous. Yet this is how millions of "sentient" beings choose to live their lives. God help us².

Consider the strange case of Clissy Funkhouser. She claims in her biography that "The bedrock of my life is God". Now substitute other names from my list into her claim, and see if any make sense:

• The bedrock of my life is Peter Pan.
  
• The bedrock of my life is Superman.
  
• The bedrock of my life is Wally Masterson.
  
• The bedrock of my life is Clissy Funkhouser.
  

Clearly, the only possible bedrock is Clissy Funkhouser herself. Would you claim anything less ethereal to be your bedrock?

Yours in grumpiness, Wally.


¹The veracity of Clissy Funkhouser's existence can be ascertained here.
²No, the irony is not lost on me.

Labels: god